Attempted Revenge
by Bionic Egypt
Summary: Her Birdie broke her heart, so now Julchen was going to break his face. In as lady-like a way as possible, of course. (Based on Mama's Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert)


**This is my first ever breakup fic. It might not turn out too great, and for that I apologize. Remember, I warned you. Thanks and enjoy **_**Attempted Revenge**_**.**

* * *

Attempted Revenge

Mattie broke her heart. Her little Birdie thought they 'needed a break' and that she was 'too cruel and mean.' And it kind of caused Julchen to go a little bit crazy.

"THAT ASSHOLE!" she screamed to herself when she was home alone. "I TRIED TO BE BETTER FOR HIM!"

Her gaze landed on a pair of rusty kitchen scissors. Mattie had always complimented her long pretty hair. Well, there was always one way to spite him. Without a second thought, Julchen snatched up the scissors and started snipping off her long silken hair in front of the bathroom mirror.

After she cut her hair in a sloppy pixie cut, Julchen found her way into the kitchen. More specifically, she found her way into the beer.

She wasn't exactly sure what happened next, but sometime later she woke up to see her stern younger brother standing over her with a pitying-yet-disappointed look on his face. Julchen groaned in both pain and annoyance. Couldn't he just leave her alone to suffer in peace?

"Go away West," Julchen groaned.

"Nien. I've been getting phone calls all day from everyone we know. Pull yourself together," he instructed.

Julchen glared at him. "I can act anyway I damn well please," she snapped. "Besides, I don't see you coming up with any awesome alternatives."

"Go fix yourself up and act like a normal human being," Ludwig suggested. "It's just a breakup."

"Oh shut it!" Julchen growled. "You and Felicia are still together; you haven't broken up with anyone."

Before Ludwig could say anything back, his ruby-eyed sister stormed out of the room, wavering a little due to her intoxicated state.

* * *

Julchen hated the way she felt. Why had she gotten so fucking attached to Birdie? Though even as she asked herself the question, she knew it was because he somehow managed to get her to fall in love with him. Well, it was time to get the fuck over it.

That meant revenge.

Of course her unawesome little brother tried to talk her out of it, but she ignored him as always. Instead, she got everyone she could think of –even her unawesome cousin Roddy –to help her with her revenge plan. It would start with everyone booing whenever Mathew came around and progress into 'harmless' pranks before escalating to the final hit: Julchen bitch-slapping him in front of everybody.

Of course, like every great plan, it went awry. Everyone forgot who they were supposed to be booing, so they ended up booing Alfred, Mathew's brother. And then they started pranking Alfred. And then Julchen finally had enough of trying to get revenge by using her friends. Maybe dating Mattie's brother would be better revenge . . .

Wait, scratch that. Alfred had a boyfriend. What was his name . . . oh right, Arthur, that really annoying British guy Franny liked to tease. It would take way too much work to break them up _and_ make Alfred straight _and_ get him to go out with Julchen. Way too long.

So what was she supposed to do?

* * *

Julchen and Ludwig's parents came home from a business trip the following weekend to find their children arguing. Again.

"Just leave him be!" Ludwig insisted.

"Nien!" Julchen spat. "He broke up with me and I'm getting revenge, dammit!"

"Stop fighting right this instant!" their father interrupted. "What is this all about?"

Julchen looked at her father, surprise written clearly on her face. "Oh, hey. Birdie broke up with me and I'm plotting revenge."

"You will do no such thing," their mother snapped. "You will behave yourself like a lady. We raised you better than this."

"But Mama!" Julchen whined. "He broke up with me. Me, the awesomeness that it me! He deserves whatever I awesomely dish out!"

"No buts, young lady," Mrs. Beilschmidt warned. As she glared at her daughter, she noticed something very different about her daughter. "Mien Gott child, what did you do to your hair?!"

Julchen sighed. It wasn't like it had been when her mama was her age. Women could get revenge on the guy who broke up with them! It was okay as long as the injuries weren't permanent!

But her mother would hear none of it. Instead of helping –or hell, even letting –Julchen plan her revenge on Mathew, her mother went through all sorts of reasons why it was a bad idea. Julchen didn't pay attention to most of it.

Besides, Julchen had a revenge plan to hammer out.

* * *

**Wow, that sucked. Sorry! Thanks for reading!**

**~C**


End file.
